Area Man Relates To Mitt Romney’s Inability To Relate To Anyone

LOS ANGELES – In a Facebook status posted roughly two hours ago, 32-year-old Staples employee Mark Holmes admitted he relates with presidential candidate Mitt Romney’s inability to relate to anyone.

“You know, I get it. I do. He’s just like me. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t understand you people,” Mark posted. “You don’t know me.”

At the time of this article, none of his 46 friends had liked or commented on the status.

09. August 2012 by Nick Butler
Categories: Politics | Tags: | 1 comment

George W. Bush Honored At First Annual George W. Bush Awards

TEXAS – Former President of the United States George W. Bush was honored this week at the first annual George W. Bush Awards in Dallas, Texas. The GWB Awards were established by former President George H. W. Bush, the father of the 43rd president.

“I just though that there wasn’t enough recognition for Dubya,” George Bush Sr. during a press conference announcing the nominees. “It was clear to me we needed to establish an award for this great man and all he’s done. I’m so proud of him.”

The website for the Awards states that it honors “the many accomplishments of the decider, from his fearless leadership during two wars to his powerfully staged photographs during the Katrina disaster.”

The event took place on Monday in the home of George and Barbra Bush.

09. January 2012 by Nick Butler
Categories: Politics, U.S. News | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Dick Clark Still Counting Down

NEW YORK – Legendary broadcaster Dick Clark was spotted today in a New York restaurant still counting down 10 days following his infamous “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” television program.

“I saw him there, alone in a corner, mumbling what sounded like numbers,” native New Yorker Steve Lawrence said in an interview Monday. “It was pretty sad, but honestly I forgot the guy was alive.”

Fairly Unbalanced contacted Clark for a comment, but when the phone was answered only an audible “seven” was heard before the line disconnected.

UPDATE 4/18/2012: Dick died.

09. January 2012 by Nick Butler
Categories: World News | Leave a comment

Brett Favre Wonders What Happened To Brett Favre

WISCONSIN – Former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre held a press conference Monday asking reporters “Hey, whatever happened to that Brett Favre guy?”

Confused, reporters simply sat in silence while the 40-something year old retired Vikings quarterback rambled endlessly.

“You know, I was watching ESPN and I hadn’t heard the name Favre recently and I was kind of curious as to why. I mean, he’s a pretty good quarterback, right? If I remember correctly he led the Vikings and Packers to the NFC championship games in the last 5 years of his career. I mean, he’s got to be better than that Mark Sanchez guy. Or what about Matt Ryan, he isn’t all that great,” Fave said. ”Doesn’t anyone need a quarterback?”

Favre continued saying he “heard it on the street” that “Brett Favre might be interested in playing for the Cardinals,” but declined to confirm that speculation when a reported asked him if it was true. This is the third press conference Favre has hosted since the beginning of the 2011 NFL season.

At the end of the prepared remarks, Favre was asked whether or not he was coming out of retirement, responding, “Well, you know, I heard Brett was thinking about it. He’s weighing his options right now, but ultimately it’s up to any NFL team that wants him. I mean, there has to be a team out there. Right? Guys?”

Farve is expected to hold another conference within the next few weeks.

09. January 2012 by Nick Butler
Categories: Sports | 1 comment